I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
