Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
