I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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