Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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