He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
