Pants 0. Shit 1.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
