I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
