i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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