Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
