Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
