dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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