watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
