I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
