Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
