Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
