I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Randomize
