there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
