I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
