She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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