I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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