she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
