if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
