I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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