xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize