I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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