she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
