I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
