I faked an abortion last night.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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