She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
