I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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