Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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