She is in my trunk
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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