theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize