Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
