I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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