So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
