I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
