I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
