Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
