I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
