My friends, they love my intelligence
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
nutella sex= disaster
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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