I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
