I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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