I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
