if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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