yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
