im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
