Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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