My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
