What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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