Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
