She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
