the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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