I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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