Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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