matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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