got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
