So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
