3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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