hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Come see our sink grown plant.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
