I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
