I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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