Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
