dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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