Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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