absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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